Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Autumn Thought's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, December 26th, 2002
8:21 pm	It's Over! Thank God. Of course, I had a lovely Christmas... my darling cousin, who used to live with me but moved away two years ago, came in from New Orleans and M and I had her and my sister over. It was soooooo nice to have a Christmas with just friend-aged types. About three days before Christmas I had a Total Meltdown Crisis about the massive amount of work involved with the Christmas dinner I'd planned (which was a very tradition roast-beef-yorkshire-pudding-plum-pudding type of affair). I really shouldn't bitch, but since I started cooking professionally, people expect really major displays from me around holiday time and I'd already done it for thanksgiving. So I threw my hands up and made a decree that I was just getting some sushi platters and calling it a day, and everyone would have to be satisfied with that, damn it! They were surprisingly nice about it (especially M, who will have to get the whole yorkshire-pudding deal on his birthday in a few weeks) but of course I couldn't really stay away from the kitchen and ended up having a huge sushi platter PLUS two kinds of teriyaki ("normal" salmon teriyaki and this red-wine filet mignon teriyaki with onions and shallots, one of those french-japanese "fusion" thingies), three-mushroom rice and a soup with octopus and teeny tiny muchrooms. Very nice, and we all ate and lay around looking at our shiny new stuff and watching the Little One play with her new toys. So now I'm heading into the new year, and feeling a bit more positive than I have been recently. I'll post again soon regarding all the recent nonsense with culinary school and aikido, but for now just wanted to say a quick hello on this page, the first in quite some time. Current Mood: peaceful (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, November 18th, 2002
6:39 am	after all this... A year later? Closer to two? And I'm coming back to this thing. I had intentions of doing a website and all, but didn't have the time or the real inclination. So... feeling the need to vent lately I'm taking up online-journaling again. This should be interesting. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 2nd, 2001
6:06 pm	I'm Back. It's been a long time since I've written anything here, I was actually thinking I'd move the journalling-thing over to my own site, but since I'm procrastinating actually putting up said site, this will have to do for now. It's been an eventful month-and-a-half or so...M and the little one and I are living alone now for the first time since we moved in, having had my cousin and a succession of houseguests practically from the moment the contractor "finished" his slapdash remodel on this place. And it's nice. I'd forgotten how much I liked being alone with M, considering that I pretty much haven't been since we got back together (and I can't BELIEVE that's getting close to a year now.) He just keeps getting better looking, hehe. Other than that, I've been...absorbed. Preparing for intensives at Parsons (after thoroughly fucking up my classes this term, actually, but what can you do?) M and I basically just figuring out our lives. I've done a major reevaluation of many of my relationships with people, and there are a few I don't talk to anymore. There are also people who have inexplicably stopped speaking to me, which I suppose makes a certain amount of sense. I've taken on a bit of M's personality, in that I'm no longer willing to even entertain the ideas of people I don't really feel have a lot to offer me...sort of in the way that I find any relationship advice from my twice-divorced mother to be suspect, at best. Oh, and get this: M and I BOTH are going to have JOBS in the near future, as my stepfather has (go figure) asked us both to help him in his new restaurant and it's about the only place we could work one shift a week. Anyway, the baby is calling so I must go. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 18th, 2001
5:41 am	I've been losing it this week. Finally, last night, M asked me to *please* not turn fun things (in this case, verbminx's visit, the baby's birthday party, and our new puppy who arrives on tuesday) into stressful things (by driving myself to exhaustion preparing, insisting the house has to be immaculate, and constantly reminding everyone that these things are a Big Deal to me.) I decided that he's probably right and intend to mellow out about them, a bit. Still, we do need to puppy-proof the downstairs. I'm just glad its my Spring Break this week... (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 13th, 2001
5:36 am	In other news, I'm overly stressed and have too much to do. Slightly behind in Japanese class, and this after agreeing to study Japanese 2 along with Japanese 1 and then take the exam to get into Japanese 3 next semester. Talked to a very nice admissions person on the phone at SVA, who was helpful and sweet. Definitely the first-choice school, but I had a few moments of doubt when I went to see littleC's work on display...seems that everyone who goes there is *far* better than I. Which I expected, but it did make me think that I probably won't get in. I'm fairly sure Parson's will take me (I've been non-matriculated there for a while) and I know Pratt will, but I want to go to SVA. Sigh. When I was in college, and single, and childless, schoolwork was the last thing I wanted to do. Now that I have a million other things in my life I yearn for the ability to just spend hours studying and doing homework. What's wrong with me? I'm in the middle of a 48-hour decision period about whether to actually get the dog, since it occured to me that I'm stressed out enough and might not need this right now. Also, it would postpone our Japan trip. Okay, I'm selfish, but it has been my dream to go there and I'm afraid if I don't do it this year I never will. These morning, before everyone is awake, when I drink my tea and do my email, are so wonderful. Shit...I promised someone I would do something in the city today before class...what was it? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
5:12 am	I haven't had the time to post much of interest as I have been tense tense tense lately. So last Sunday I surprised myself and everyone around me by going to church...a Shin Buddhist church in Manhattan. My experience with Buddhism is fairly limited and mostly theoretical...college courses as part of my first, "Eastern Studies" major and a serious rigorous Zen phase in college and after. M and I had a discussion recently about our lack of religion, one which I really think could have made it into a Coupland-esque documentary about modern life. Sitting around talking, we got onto the subject of religion, and how maybe we should "get" one, being that we're now adults with a family and blah blah blah. We sat and discussed most world religions we knew anything about (some we're unclear on, like Jainism, got left out). Christianity was the first to be brought up, and almost as quickly discarded. We've both been exposed to it, we're both (technically) christened Catholics (although our parents were pretty much halfassed about actually bringing us up to believe or even know much about it) and have neither an attraction to the Christian faith or a belief in it. Judaism got put on the short list, it seems *slightly* more sane (and, actually, atheist-friendly) than Christianity, and M's father is Jewish (non-practicing) as is my stepdad...so we're both fairly clear on what goes on. It falls under the category of "religions we have some vague respect for", but in the end I can't see us really dealing with all the aspects, doctrine, etc. Islam is an interesting religion, and also one I've studied in an academic sense, but we're not muslims. Really not. Okay. Next we brought up neo-paganism, wiccan, and all its various offshoots. E's Wiccan, I spent a lot of time doing "ceremonial magick" type hooha (and occasionally still do, but don't consider it a religious thing) so this is something we've had a lot of contact with. I'm not going to post our opinions of this particular religion because, well, "some of my best friends are Wiccan" (literally) and they don't need to hear the type of caustic hilarity that M and I can come up late at night discussing religion. So, no Wicca. M asked me what my "take" was on Buddhism ("I mean weren't you kind of a Buddhist for a while there?") I explained that I wasn't ever really a Buddhist, but I studied it a great deal and did some meditative practice, etc, but that I knew too many people who called themselves "Buddhists" who knew *far* less than I did, and that *really* bothered me. Lots of history to that there religion, people, its a little more than sitting in one spot and saying "Mu" or "Namu Amida Butsu" or "Nyam yoho renge kyo" or whatever. (My mother is a really good example of why I have an antipathy to religion, she's a child of the sixties who calls herself a pantheist ("I believe in all religions!") which means she has little postcards and beads and shit from just about every religion that's ever been, and cannot tell you one thing about what they actually *believe* or *do*) Which kind of got me started wanting to find out a little more...and not from a Religious Sutdies Department "oooh, what *do* these people do?" type of standpoint. So after doing a little more research into various sects and what was available in New York, I ended up at Shin Buddhist Church last week. Go figure...me, the areligious one. Had a lovely time, too. The people were very nice and explained how to properly do all those things I'd only read about, the service was partly in Japanese, which will probably help me with school if nothing else, and I got a very nice feeling from being there. Also, I liked the fact that nobody *leaps* on you if you're new like they do in some Christian churches I've been too ("HIIII!!! Are you NEW?? Well, if you're planning to stay, I'd like you to join our women's group!" This can be nice, but...not really.) The church also has alot of classes during the week in things like calligraphy, Japanese dance, martial arts, etc, which I liked. I may stop by their calligraphy class. Too early to say now, but I may have a church I'm comfortable with. Will wonders never cease? Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: Velvet Underground and Nico (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 8th, 2001
6:28 am	Trying to be hyper-productive, but the universe is aligned against me. However, I will NOT miss class again tonight. The breeder called and said we'd been "approved" (hehe, well, he didn't actually say that but that was the implication) for one of the puppies, so she will be coming home with us the weekend after next. Yay! Yay! Yay! (verbminx, you'll be here in time to meet our new doggie, who the baby has named "Rei") I want to clean the house from top to bottom, study for my Japanese midterm, do all the drawings I need to do for class, and somehow have time to relax. Gah... Of course I've meant to post a societal rant re: the latest school shooting, but my own life has intervened... All right. Off to Get Things Done. (oh. I went back on my crazy protein diet, and walked four miles yesterday. Go me!) Current Mood: rushed (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 5th, 2001
4:31 pm	"We live in a society that is rapidly becoming a nation of sociopaths. The root cause of this is not the loss of family values. Neither is it the consequence of parents who are in themselves sociopaths or emotionally disturbed individuals. The cause, instead, is the conventional, but abnormal, ways in which we rear our children. From the moment of birth, children are deprived of that which humans evolved to have; the prolonged nurturing natural to our species." James Kimmel Ph.D. (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 4th, 2001
3:02 pm	Gah, franchise food... So, went to see the doggies. They were adorable, but we don't love the breeders, who want us to show the dogs, and give them the first puppy, and practically promise them OUR next kid to get one of their special, special dogs. (M just wandered in muttering "...snooty dog people...") Then we went to the Palisades Mall, where I bought Japanese stationary and birthday presents for the little one (tiny Cardcaptor Sakura dolls) and went to the most crap-tastic, suck-tacular franchise "restaurant" of them all... Rainforest Cafe. Oh, my poor stomach! I can't even go into the awfulness (we'd never been there before). The little one was totally overstimulated. Hell, *we* were totally overstimulated. And the food. Blah. Feh. Gag. Of course we couldn't escape without buying the little one some tiny rubber animals, and all told they got about $85 of our money. Sick, sick, sick. Next time I will do Sbarro or Wok & Roll in the food court and shut up about it (or go to Dave & Busters where we can actually *smoke*). Now we're home, in countdown time for the Sopranos, eating candy (or gum, we're not sure) from the mall's little Japanese store. Marvelous, marvelous day. I'm wiped out by all the activity and want to sleep for a year...I hope I'm not this drained when verbminx comes to visit, I actually want to do Fun Stuff with her, instead of always being the jerk who says "You guys go ahead, I'm going to wait for you in this cafe with this book. Have fun!" (1 Comment |Comment on this)
6:09 am	Today we go see puppies...little baby shiba-inus. Also, today is the Sopranos season premiere... Good day. Good day. (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 3rd, 2001
11:54 am	I'm losing the English Mint that I've been nursing on my windowsill since September. It's going...I can tell. I'm completely depressed. (Comment on this)
5:01 am	Long, interesting, fund day yesterday. My sister came over on thursday night, arriving while I was already asleep. In my customary daze I had told her I wanted to hang out friday, completely forgetting I had plans with LittleC. Luckily it worked out, as they are two people I can easily condense into one hangout-day...LittleC was sis's friend first (they went to highschool together), and probably is still closer with her than with me, LittleC and I are have-coffee-and-talk-about-projects friends, and LittleC and Sis are go-to-clubs-and-wreak-havoc-friends. Lots of heavy life-discussion-stuff...sis is never sure what she wants to do with herself, LittleC was zen as usual, I attempted to give them the benefit of my experience, IE six more years of mistakes than they have. But a fun day. Almost bought a pair of gorgeous men's shoes from the 50s, but decided they were too expensive. After the (very cool) day with them I headed out to interview a financial advisor with M. Although we liked her a great deal on a personal level, we probably aren't going to go with this one. We basically need some highly trained professional to take over our money for us and help it make more money, rather than someone who will give us suggestions and review "how we're doing" on an annual basis. As M said, this means either someone we REALLY trust or some huge financial megacorp...we're going to talk to Wilson (mom's friends husband) when he gets back from his vacation. Then we went out on a semi-date, had Indian food in Jackson Heights and looked in Indian stores for things to dispose of our disposable income on. Discussed money, making us (at least me) feel very grownup (I think M just *feels* that way all the time). Bought some herbal skin-paling stuff. Had B pick us up (We NEED to get our licenses, we OWN a car we can't drive and are at the mercy of our friends) and drove home listening to Guns and Roses, LOUDLY (much more fun than it sounds, rife with nostalgia for being 14 in California, basically) and I passed out almost as soon as we got in the house. The little one has painted her face with red marker to look like San from Mononoke. I'm the first one awake this morning. Is anyone else looking forward to the Sopranos season opener tomorrow? God, I've been waiting *months and months* for this... Current Mood: restless Current Music: Al Jolson, "I'll Say She Does" (Comment on this)
Friday, March 2nd, 2001
5:29 am	A resounding HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Bedlammessiah! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 1st, 2001
8:09 am	hmmmph. Well, this waking-up-early thing has been working out fairly well, in that I'm actually able to eat and do stuff before I have to go to class. Drawing at 6, and I have to draw some pears (thrilling, yes?) before then. Talked to LittleC this morning, who I'm seeing tomorrow. Checked the garden (still frozen), cooked, did some house stuff. Then I tried to deal with travel agents/ticket people for our Vegas trip, but that ended up in a fight between M and I. I'm used to him finding fault with every way that I try to handle any given thing, but when he does it about this I'm convinved its this male desire to avoid getting married at all, which makes me say Fuck it, I'm not going to bother with this. If you want to get married, *you* make the arrangements. I really really really hate when I spend weeks outlining a situation like this ("Well, since we've let this drag on so long, we can probably still get tickets in March but we might want to wait until mid-April so that we don't have to rush to get everything done") and gotten an answer from him ("See if we can get the tickets for March") and then when I go through a half-hour of nonsense, and rude travel agents, and clueless ticket agents, and being put on hold (we're trying to exchange some tickets we couldn't use when his stepdad died) and after ALL OF THIS I have finally managed to get a flight on march 12, to THEN have him say "Don't you think that's too soon for us to get everything done?". Which is EXACTLY WHAT I SAID, but he said to go ahead for March anyway. So now I've just wasted an hour of my time and get to feel like shit about it. I'm not going to worry about this. This is the last thing in the world I'm willing to fight about, and all this is accomplishing is to get me to the point where I could give a fuck if we do it at all. Current Mood: pissed off Current Music: "Dora the Explorer" and my teeth grinding (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 28th, 2001
1:11 pm	Baka Me So I walk into Japanese class yesterday, receive two test papers graded 100, and am happily whizzing through a hiragana quiz when my cellphone lets out an incredibly loud rendition of "Fur Elise" that startles three people almost out of their chairs. I duck out, hiss "I'll call you in an hour" to my sister, and slink back in. Sumimasen, gomen gomen gomen. Then, post-quiz, the teacher is going through all the things I spent three hours that day studying, and my head slips down onto my arms and I fall fast asleep. And not a little doze like I've taken in many classes, a real sleep. I had dreams. I was OUT. The next thing I know, she's going "Sumimasen. Sumimasen. Iidesuka?" and apparently it's three minutes before the end of class, she's trying to hand out the take-home quiz, she's been standing over me for some time, and the whole class is in hysterics. Hai, iidesu, gomen gomen gomen. Aaargh...that was my best class too...the one where I was a disgustingly-perfect brownnosing shit instead of the flake I generally am in all my other classes... The humiliation! Current Mood: embarrassed Current Music: Pokemon! "Prepare for trouble! And make it double!" (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 27th, 2001
5:52 am	la-la-la.... Wonderful, idyllic morning. Woke up at 6 (YAY! OF course, I went to sleep at 7 last night). Made breakfast for M and I (he woke up shortly after I did, which is another miracle, one more and he will be Saint M). Scrambled eggs with smoked cheddar and onion. Sliced peaches on the side. We should get a toaster. So, it's like 9:00 (ignore the time on this entry) and I'm awake, fed, showered and drinking tea, about to take a nice slow walk (in my spiffy new boots) to the Botanical Gardens, where I will draw flowers and plants for class for awhile (what is the deal with me and botanical sketches lately? I must have done thirty in the past two weeks.) Then, if all goes according to plan, I'll come home around 2 and actually cook again before leaving for class at four (chicken cutlets, some vegetable thing) and I will have been a wonderful student/housewife person today. Will wonders never cease. I'll have to remember today the next time I haven't made it out of my bathrobe or consumed anything but cigarette smoke and green tea for two days, I'm behind in classes, and I haven't seen my friends in weeks. Current Mood: ecstatic Current Music: nothing...M is reconfiguring our whole "system" right now. (Comment on this)
Monday, February 26th, 2001
5:21 pm	Falling asleep where I stand. Will post about my shopping trip, day with C, and slinkster-cool new boots tomorrow. (Comment on this)
3:42 am	I just added scads of people to my freinds list...we'll see how that works out. At one point I had far too many people, and I ended up deleting about half of them because there were just too many, and somebody's feelings got hurt...so I haven't added anyone in some time, even some lovely people who've added *me*. But I was just in that sort of mood... (4 Comments |Comment on this)
3:12 am	I need to buy M a book on tea ceremony when I go to Kinokuniya tomorrow...poor man, he has be married to me and he likes feng shui. That's so sad. Any space I'm in becomes a pit of clutter. Oh well. He loves me anywat. (Comment on this)
2:44 am	Autumn Fashion Update...a disaster, as usual. I'm getting my sewing machine back in a few days! I really, really need to start designing/making things again...might tack a fashion design course onto my next semester's schedule, just for fun. (The trouble is, those "just for fun" courses end up entailing at least as much work as the "I need to take this for my major" classes and I end up dropping them so I can have some time. I know this already.) But I have a lot of new ideas, mainly brought about by verbminx directing me to look at cute gothy clothes last night. I CANNOT pay the kind of money they want for that crap anymore, I doubt anyone with an even rudimentary knowledge of sewing can stomach it, and the materials/construction have never been up to the standard of the clothes I make myself. But my wardrobe has been getting a little blah and Express-y in recent months. This is due to a few factors. First of all, well, the Express near me had a clothing sale. Second, I've been absorbed with school (although, as I pointed out to verbminx, being an art student does not mean I have to look like shit everyday). Third, I've gained a little weight since going off my diet (which is a monstrously restrictive high-protein thing designed both for weight loss and to help with my illness and give me more energy), and Fourth all of my cool, gorgeous vintage stuff needs to be drycleaned. Still, I managed to get through 25 years without becoming a big-T-shirt-and-jeans girl and I'm damned if I'm going to give in now. I need shoes, too. Boots and flat shoes and high shoes and pointy shoes. I am down to two pairs of comfortable, pretty shoes. We had to do a still life of everybody's shoes in drawing class, and I was wearing my 13-year-old motorcycle boots (the ones I begged and screamed for freshman year of HIGH SCHOOL) and it was utterly mortifying. The fact that my drawing teacher went on and on about what a marvellous irregular texture they had didn't help, I was fairly sure no one else wanted their shoes near mine. So, maybe I'll hit Trash & Vaudeville today and get a couple of pairs of something cute...go back on the diet...do something with my hair (it's been varying shades of bright red for a long time and I feel the need for something different)...make some utterly gorgeous stuff to wear. I do have a ton of good fabric, Indian fabrics bought on my last trip to Jackson Heights, some weird green stuff with black roses, some stretch velvet with dark green and black stripes, various other velvets. I also have some great patterns, including some lovely bias-cut stuff I've been meaning to try...so I should go waste some fabric with diagonal cutting. On the other hand, I could just do the laundry. (1 Comment |Comment on this)